She Gets It Blog

by AmyK

Valentine's Day is Weird.

communicating to connect emotional intelligence relationships Feb 14, 2023
AmyK on Valentine's Day with Moose

Hey, there! AmyK here.

It’s Valentine’s Day. Yep.

And … I sincerely hope:

1. You do not overpay for a mediocre meal
2. You do not receive flowers [or chocolates] and your partner expects all of their transgressions to be forgiven.
3. You don’t do #2 in reverse either. ;-)

Valentine’s Day is weird.

Yep, that’s my highly-educated word for it. Weird.

On one day, outta 365, you’re standing in the check-out line thinking, “When did cards get so expensive?” and “Does the kissing emoji they texted me in response to my declaration of “I love you” mean they love me less?!” [Hmmm, but that’s another post!]

In case you want to address your relationship with more than a card, and truly invest in a much more brilliant future together, here are a few tips for communicating to connect.

1. People hear what you want them to know and feel from what you say and how you say it. Choosing how you show up and present yourself is as important as the words you use.

2. Before you start a conversation with your partner, explore your own intentions:

  • What energy do I need to bring to this conversation?
  • What feelings do I wish to communicate through words and physical presence?
  • What might I say or do to create connection?
  • What might I say or do to assert my personal power and allow them to express theirs?

3. Need to re-connect?

  • Send a sweet note, craft a flirty text, or physically touch your partner [hip, arm, shoulder] prior to having a conversation. Also, try specifically and sincerely thanking them for something. Affirmation and appreciation go a long way toward bonding and/or healing.
  • Do one of the above [or your own choice of connection] without expectation of a reciprocal action. Your act of love is to simply give and reset. You may need to do it several days in a row to create a new frequency between the two of you. This new frequency will help you better navigate your way through a needed conversation.

4. Seeking to resolve an issue?

Consider starting a conversation with one of these Magical phrases

i. I love you. This is hard for me to talk about, and it’s very important to me. Our relationship is important to me.

ii. I love you. This conversation is hard and it matters. You matter to me. A lot.

iii. I love you. I’d like to have a conversation to reset. Starting with apologizing for my contribution to getting us here.

5. When you’re close to someone, you might be tempted to jump into the conversation with your unmet wants. For example, “I’m so upset. We never go out anymore. We never make love.”

There indeed might be some truth to what you’re sharing, but how you share your truth is critical for establishing empathy and connection. It’s also critical for changing the outcome.

While it may be appealing to start with everything that’s broken and not working, or with what you find offensive about the other party, showing up with an optimistic attitude and a willingness to own your piece will move you toward a heartfelt resolution more quickly.

Exchanging, “I’m so upset. We never go out anymore. We never make love.” with: 

“I love it when we play on Saturdays and laugh our way through an exhibit or two. I know I’ve been busy with work lately. Whadyasay I get us tickets for an exhibit next weekend?”

Or...

Exchanging, “I’m so upset. We never go out anymore. We never make love.” with: 

“I really enjoyed that bike ride we took a few weeks ago. I had such fun with you. I know it’s too cold right now, but are you up for something else that’s fun this weekend?”

It’s easier, and more constructive, to talk about what’s not working, or what needs tweaking, when you’re approaching the conversation from a more loving place of security and connection. It’s also important to remember that finding time to relax and play together often leads to greater intimacy afterwards.

And if they say no, they’re not interested in having fun, then I encourage you to revisit #s 3 & 4 above.

💖 To getting the love and connection you desire – one conversation at a time.

Hugs,

AmyK

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